One year, I had my students play a game on the first day so that I could learn their names: they were to say their name and an adjective that started with the same letter. The next student repeated the first student’s name and adjective, and then said their own. The third student repeated both the first and second students’ names and then their own. For example, I’m shy Sheila and he’s joking Josh and she’s magnificent Madison.
One boy introduced himself as disrespectful Daniel. He wasn’t wrong.
Fortunately, by that time, I had a lot of teaching experience in my back pocket. I made it my mission to build a relationship with Daniel. I made sure to give him positive feedback whenever I could, and I chatted with him at least briefly every day. It wasn’t always easy.
Daniel had no filter between his brain and mouth, and he had some pretty rough social skills. If there had been an underground teacher version of the yearbook where we got to nominate students for Most Likely To, I would have nominated Daniel for Most Likely to Die in a Bar Fight. He really knew how to offend people.
I would like to tell you that Daniel never acted out in my class, but that would be a lie. I probably sent him to the office about three or four times, all during the first semester. During the second semester, I had no problems with him — partially because, by then, he knew I liked him, but also because he had a couple of classmates who exerted positive peer pressure on him that semester.
There are a lot of classroom management techniques out there for teachers to use, and many of them are backed up by research. But the simplest is building relationships — no fancy charts or points or token economies. Just taking the time to get to know students and to really listen to them. For Daniel, it wasn’t just my relationship with him that made a difference. The sense of community in the classroom also helped him change his behavior and feel like he belonged.
Here’s the thing: it has to be intentional if you’re going to rely on relationship-building as your go-to classroom management technique. Get to know your students. Take the time to talk to every kid at least once or twice a week. And encourage them to talk to — and work productively with — each other. Build a community. It takes time, but it’s worth it.
The year after Daniel graduated, he came back to visit me. He said I was the only teacher he had really liked — which probably translates to I was the only teacher who really liked him. It made all the difference in how he behaved in my class.
